If I Were A Carpenter
by Tim Hardin

If I were a carpenter and you were a lady
Would you marry me anyway, would you have my baby?

What is the deal with people and turn signals? Is it too much to ask that you turn it on when you a going to make a turn. I may be a giant in mental telepathy, but I can’t read minds very well while I an driving. And please please use the tuning lane, the people behind you have would like to continue on their journey and they made that turning lane just so that you wouldn’t have to stall traffic for ten minutes waiting for a chance to turn left.

Crystal Gayle mmmmm, those eyes and that long, long dark hair. Many a night (and day) I would dream about being married to her (yes, married not just sleep with), imagining being lost in those eyes daily and hearing that sweet voice saying my name. She is like the supermodel of country music and probably the only country music star I will listen to unconditionally. Yes, I still have a BIG crush on her.

Robert Redford turns 67 today. I want to look as good as he does now when I get to 57. If I was a woman I’d be drooling over him… which my wife does every time she sees him.

I never realized how sexist this carpenters song is until now. But then I didn’t know that She Bop by Cyndi Lauper was about masturbation until a just recently. Oh yeah, I have this thing for Cyndi too. I don’t care what year it is or what hair color she has, I would marry Cyndi too. She is just so cute and sexy… and I love her voice.

On this day in 1227, the Mongol conqueror Genghis Khan died. Khaaaaaaaaaan! I had to do that, my inner Shatness was fighting to get out.

On this day in 1958, the novel by Vladimir Nabokov that made older men (and censors) nervous, Lolita. Hmm, I wonder how many old men where on the movie review board at that time. By the way, the Stanley Kubrick version is very good, I haven’t seen the Adrian Lyne version.

Here’s another picure of Crystal Gayle…

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Ahhh, I love the smell of college freshmen in the morning!

Yes, college students are back in town. Classes are not far behind… neither is the coed’s in their bikinis sunbathing on the campus parks. It is times like these when it pays to have an office with a view. And each office on my campus each has a view of prime lush green tanning lawn. And our campus is an equal opportunity one, guys and gals both take advantage of the sunlight to replenish the tans.

Now I sound like a pervert working for other perverts. Don’t worry, we have too much to do to spend time staring out of windows at the really hot blond in the string bikini that just took off her top! Don’t worry, her “top” was a t-shirt she was wearing over her bikini.

Now for something completely different…

News!

News about flaming bunnies!

And why you should always have some water around.

According to the radio and this report, members of a cricket club (the sport kind, not the insect) in western England were burning dead branches and twigs when a rabbit that was hiding in the rubbish pile caught fire and shot out like… well like it was on fire. The poor hasenpfeffer ran out of the flames a full five minutes after the fire had engulfed the rubbish pile and ran straight for a hut where it cause $110,000 worth of fire damage. Unfortunately the rabbit could not be saved by the two fire brigades that arrived on the scene to extinguish the flames.

I feel sorry for the poor little rabbit. I really do. It just that this is one of those news items that just hit the satiric dark side of a person. At least I didn’t say “Ahh, I love the smell of burning rabbit in the morning”.

The flaming giant rabbit picture is a still from the God-awful movie Night of the Lepus that you can read about at The Agony Booth movie review site. The picture of students in the park are from my photo album of past vict… uhm guests.

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That is interesting. My number of visitors suddenly shot up some 300% for two days last week (August 10 and 11) from a nonsensical entry from MetaFilter on an August 10 post by some guy with the nickname of reklaw (his last name spelled backwards). I have never heard of MetaFilter before and was shocked by the inclusion. I guess reklaw was just passing by when he caught my URL.

It was mirrored on this interesting blog as well.

No cause for alarm people, my stats have gone back to normal (darn!).

I was worried that I was involved in some DoS attack, albeit a miniscule one.

Now I’m wondering if I “jump the shark“.

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Just a little note to let y’all know that I am still alive, still dry, and still haven’t seen AvP yet.

And the big ass dark clouds are coming back.

So another hurricane is coming. Oh joy.

If anyone happens to be at the Brewery Arts Complex in downtown Los Angeles this evening, please stop by Swift Gallery and hepl April Winchell make her demo video for her possible job on network TV. If you see April, tell her Michael sent you… and tell her the idea about the ebay auction for the date is a good one.

I’m going back to hiding under the bed now.

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So you turn on the tube and nothing is on. Time to do the Friday Five.

1. If your family was a television family, who would they be? Name family and/or television show.
Somewhere between The Cosby Show and The Simpsons. We run pretty much normal like the Huxtables except for the boy. We should have named him Bart.

2. If you and your friends were a television show, what show would best describe i.e. personalities and/or day-to-day relations?
It sure wouldn’t be Friends, maybe more like Cheers but without the beer and the bar.

3. What television show would best represent your life?
I would love to say Married… With Children, but my life isn’t that bad. Though if I were married to the hot redhead Peggy she would have to beg for me to have sex with her. I guess I am Junkyard Wars, I constantly create from nothing… particularly at work… and when the kids want the impossible that is not found in stores.

4. What theme song would run for a television about you? May be one used by a show already or something different.
Uhm, A Kind of Magic by Queen from the Highlander CD.

5. Who would you have play yourself? Friends and family?
Myself – Bruce Campbell, my friends – Katey Segal, Melissa Gilbert, Bruce Boxleitner, Richard Dean Anderson, Julia Hayes, and Asia Carrera to name a few.

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I must have had Alien vs. Predator, which opens nation-wide today, on the brain last night. I had this killer dream of Aliens accidently being brought to Earth aboard an alien spacecraft. The spacecraft crashes into an office building in a major city (probably Atlanta) depositing the cryogenically-stored Aliens into the new building full of unsuspecting people. The lone surviving crewmember is the only person aware of the danger of the Aliens and is pretty much the only line of defense when the Aliens escape until the military show up. Luckily the military isn’t quite so stupid as normally depicted and soon relies on the crewmember for leadership.

This dream was so detailed. It was like watching a movie… a really good Alien movie. There was not only the Alien threat, but the threat of the falling building as well. And no one wanted the Aliens to escape the building, even if it meant killing everyone inside… though the hero’s where trying to avoid that at all costs.

It would make on heck of a low-budget Alien action movie…. just Aliens, contemporary weaponry, office space, and good use of dark corners and utility closets. The only big budget items would be the ship crash and the Alien costumes.

This is one of those times when I wish we had some way of recording our dreams into a VCR or something. Damn that was a good dream.

No, I don’t dream like normal people. I have very elaborate dreams that play more like movies.

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This crap is coming toward me…..

… and this crap….

Plus there is more crap forming in the Atlantic….

So by the end of next week I should be under about 50 feet of water.

This made us buy this crap….

and this crap…

and still more crap…

… and let’s not forget this crap, we almost did forget this….

But I really wanted to buy this….

or this…

But I was overruled.

Maybe I’ll be lucky and some female porn star will need rescuing during the hurricanes and she’ll want to reward me with wild sex. My luck she’d want to have wild sex with my wife.

Did I just see a fish swim by my window?

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Stolen from the ever beautiful and rockin’ Chey…

Imaginative, intense, emotional and inexhaustible energy is what describes the M people best. Once involved in a relationship, the M people spend considerable time and effort in developing and sustaining it. There is also a tendency to be a mother to their mate. The greatest love affairs happen with the M people. They believe in freedom and are willing to try anything and everything. A free and frank relationship appeals to them.

Find what the first letter of you first name means.

One of these days I gonna get a reading or test that says I’m evil… EVIL!

Of course this could explain my history with relationships…

Love And Romance

Taurus
April 20 – May 21

Although practical by nature, you’re surprisingly romantic. Its a different matter that your romance begins only after you have observed that your prospective partner has all or most of the qualities that appeal to you. But once you’re in the courtship stage, you’re very ardent and caring and patient. You can wait almost endlessly for your partner. Once married, you look for unshakable stability. However, romance and a highly passionate approach to it are the bedrocks of your marriage. Contrary to general belief, you don’t like dull moments and are willing to experiment, especially if it keeps your partner happy.

Your Sexual Side
You want romance and love to be an adventure–but one which provides you not just wild thrills but security as well. Curiously, your body language can be languorous and sensuous and attract and arouse the other person without conveying fully the depth of your own needs. On the other hand, you often expect a lot from the other person while limiting your own responses and participation to the `reactive’ level rather than the `initiative’ level. As a result, your fantasies are usually far richer and more varied than real life experiences.

Recommendation: Learn to be more demonstrative about your feelings.

Sexual Compatibility
Affectionate Cancer affords you bedtime thrills, while life with sensitive Virgo is joyful. You admire Capricorn’s gritty strength of character, and imaginative Pisces brings a spiritual dimension to your ordered life. With the Fish, you find a nicely complimentary match.

Not For You: With another Taurus, you’re sunk by mutual stubbornness, and both Gemini and Sagittarius are fickle heartbreakers! Taurus finds Leo self-centred, Libra’s mood swings disturbing, and is utterly daunted by the Scorpion’s jealousy. Bossy Aries irritates, while arrogant Aquarian distance leaves you chilled.

Ideal Match
Your own Earth signs, Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn would revive the ideal match for you, along with Aquarius.

Wives and Husbands
You make excellent providers and are known as the homemakers of the zodiac. Extremely sensitive to the other person’s needs, providing a whole range of material comforts seem to be your way of keeping your partner happy. You make faithful partners, seldom straying even during rocky periods.

Yeah, but that still doesn’t explain why that woman was eyeing me and grabbed my arse in the grocery store yesterday.

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For those of you who do not like thrash metal (you know the stuff Metallica played before the Ride The Lightening CD, like “Master of Puppets”, “Thing That Should Not Be”, “Damage, Inc”, “Through The Never”, before they became so commercial and “pop”), please ignore this post… unless you want to try something new in which I ask you to try early Megadeth first.

I want to introduce you to two bands….

The first is Binky, a four woman post-industrial thrash metal, old school punk band. You are probably asking yourself, female thrash? Remember L7 (yes they still exists just on indefinite hiatus, and yes, I am a fan from waaaaay back, like in 1988)? Okay, L7 is not a real good example.

Back to Binky. How can you go wrong with that name. Now it is a bit surprising to have a trumpet in metal music, but it works. And the vocals, let’s just say it would have made James Hetfield jealous back in the old days. Screaming rough vocals, screeching guitars, hard thumping percussions… it is all there. They are a bit tamer than Motorhead, but then who isn’t. If you want to bleed from the ears and the eyes, bang you head until you are unconscious, and enjoy it, then give Binky a try.

You can buy their latest CD Bloodbath & Beyond here.

The second band is actually the first band of the lead singer in Binky, Windy Wild. The band is called Axis of Evil, though it seems to have disbanded after compiling an demo in 2002. You can sample the five song demo on their site.

The music is more industrial metal than thrash, though the screaming vocals found in Binky, since Windy is the main vocalist in both groups, are evident here. There is a bit more angst and raw emotion than in the Binky album and it sounds a bit more refined. If members plan any future corroborations, I am sure the mature talent would make the CD a sure win in the hard metal crowd.

And you thought I only listened to pop tunes.

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