Sometimes I just sit and think about my past. All the decisions I made and didn’t make, the paths I took and the ones I didn’t take. I think about the friends I made and lost over the years.

Many times I wonder if I made the correct decisions, chose the right path. Other times I wonder if I ever had a choice to begin with. I question if I had the right to make that decision, or if I had all the information that I needed to make an informed decision… was I qualified.

Sometimes I can see that path that I didn’t take, how seductive to go back and change to another path if I had the power. But what of the people in this path, some of whom I have helped?

But we live with the path we have chosen, to mull over what-if’s will drive you crazy.

Once such decision plagues me every time I hear “Let Her Cry” by Hootie & The Blowfish.

I was in a relationship that started out well. We had fun together. She was not only beautiful, but she was great to be around.

But then something happened and she changed. She became moody, introverted. She stopped liking the activities we had done together in the past. She would go through mood swings in a flash, one minute sad, the next jumping up and down like she was happy. She never told me what caused the change. One day I found out what was causing the mood swings, she was doing drugs. I just happen to walk into the bathroom and saw her. I could have broken it off right there, but I am not that type of person. After a long talk she agreed to go into rehab.

She was getting better, but not in getting of drugs. She was getting better at hiding it from me. She quit rehab after a few weeks and it took the threat of walking out to get her to go back in. One day I decided to surprise her by meeting her outside of the rehab meeting building. She didn’t come out after the meeting. I walked home and found out why she wasn’t at the meeting. I saw her standing by the road and a car pulled up and she got in. The next night was walking to clear my head from all the were piling up inside me about our relationship, or something inside me want to spy, I don’t know which. I saw her at the same corner, this time getting into a car of someone I knew. When I talked to this person the next day was when I realized that she had been prostituting herself. When I asked my girlfriend about it, she told me straight that she did it to get money for drugs.

Then I did something I regret. I gave her an ultimatum, stop or leave. She left.

I didn’t lose touch with her, maybe I was her lifeline for awhile. I’d call her and talk with her, we’d always end up arguing over her drug use. Eventually she quite college. I wrote to her often, never mentioning what drove us apart. At first the correspondence was going well, but then her letters back began to be fewer until they stopped all together. I kept writing however and after a few months I received a box in the mail from her. In the box was the letters from the past two or three months, unopened, with a letter from her with one word “Goodbye”.

I contacted her mother and he told me that she moved out and suddenly got married. Her mother hadn’t heard from here since.

It has been years since she went away and no one knows where she is.

I think of her when this song plays….

Let Her Cry
by Hootie & The Blowfish

She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind
She says dad’s the one I love the most
But Stipe’s not far behind

She never let’s me in
Only tells me where she’s been
When she’s had too much to drink
I say that I don’t care
I just run my hands through her dark hair
Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away
And just…

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note standing by the phone
Saying, “Baby, maybe I’ll be back someday”
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didn’t know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself
Saying…

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I could not believe
She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to get high
And I sat down on my couch and cried
Yelling “Oh mama, please help me
Won’t you hold my hand”
And…

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.

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Late night, early mourning… whatever.

Dark, quiet, alone.

Can’t sleep. Too much time to think, contemplate.

Nobody around, no person to talk to… express myself to the night. But the night is cold, unfeeling, unsympathetic, its embrace chilling in its embrace. The night offers no solace, no relief from the loneliness, it only mirrors the empty place inside.

Dark, black, isolated.

I seek….

Seeking warmth. A body, a soul to commune with. A lover. A companion. Someone with whom to share the little secrets I hide inside… the small niches in my soul. Little secrets such as the frightened little boy I hide within. Frightened of not being accepted, not being liked. A little boy who played by himself, who hid in books. Alone in a crowd.

All I have right now is the No-Light.

Loneliness.

The sweet diversion of sleep abandons me to the cold harsh night.

“Where is everyone” I scream with no voice, no sound.

“They sleep, the blissful sleep” says the night.

I am nothing, I am the dark, I am the night, No one sees me, no one hears me. I bear my burden, the empty place inside, alone.

How can something empty weigh to much? A weight that drags the soul ever deeper into the empty.

I will search again for sleep, search for the companions, lovers that live in my dreams. Warm dreams that I share with others. Warm dreams that know not of loneliness and despair or the painful shyness. Warm dreams where everyone has a perfect lover, companion.

Dream, perchance to sleep.

Dark, quiet, alone.

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1) What animal best represents you?
The raccoon. I tend to be nocturnal, curious, and a bit shy, a loner that is sometimes seen with a pack or family. Describes the raccoon aptly. Did you know a raccoon has a penis bone?

2) What color best represents you?
Dark blue. Not only is it my favorite color, but it describes how I am…. dark, but not too dark, cooling and calm, self-important, and a little flighty at times.

3) What season best represents you?
Autumn. Like I said, cool and calming, darker than Summer but not as dark Winter, longer nights and a bit solitary.

4) What emotion best represents you?
Anxiety. I am one that is not prone to full-on panic attacks but I do get apprehensive around new people and new situations. I tend to worry too much as well.

5) What flower/tree/plant best represents you?
The Cherokee Rose. It is a small, unassuming flowering vine of the Rose family that has a nice, yet slight, smell and beautiful white flowers. It mirrors the quiet side of me, that part that sits in the background, but once you get to know me you realize I’m a nice person, just don’t get me angry or defensive because, like the vine, I have sharp thorns that are painful, but not damage inducing. Plus I tend to climb fences and cling to people’s jeans when they go hiking through the underbrush. The legend of the Cherokee Rose and its connection with the Trail of Tears can be found here.

Plant your response to the Friday Five.

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Brrrrrrrr! When I said that it would be nice for it to cool off some, I didn’t mean to drop to 65 degrees F.

I went to bed last night, skipping the weather report and the news since the Braves game ran so late (11:30 pm). I noticed that the central air did not come on at all last night and that it was a bit chilly in my bed. I woke up this morning to the afore mentioned temperature. It was quite a shock seeing that I live in the South where it never gets below 80 at night during August and it routinely gets above 100 degrees during the day (today’s high is expected to be 85!).

People, this is weather we don’t see until late September or mid October.

I was looking up into the sky to make sure some giant meteor or asteroid wasn’t about the slam into my house, which would have really peeved me since we just replaced our water heater and I can now go back to taking sauna baths.

What’s next, waking up to snow on the ground?

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An interesting question is posed at Just One Bite……

I’m sure I’m not the only one to do this. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve had a list of wishes at the ready, just in case I: a) found a magic lantern, b) purchased a withered monkey paw, or c) stopped a woodcutter from chopping down a dryad. So, what’s on your list?

Three wishes? I guess mine would be as generic as they come.

• About 30 million dollars U.S. That should be enough to keep my family, myself, and a few close friends in a good, modest lifestyle, pay for college for my family, buy a few houses, and a few cars
• The end to world hunger and homelessness. Everyone has plenty to eat and can have a safety net to fall back on during the hard times. I think if we all had that little safely net, we would all more likely take the risks and succeed in life.
• Global understanding and tolerance. If we all understand each other and tolerate everyone then we would all live together much better.

To think about it, if I had the last two wishes granted then most of the hate, violence, and war would end. Not all of it would end, be we would see a big reduction in the strife of the world.

Now knowing that these wishes would never be granted, I am willing to be at this beach at that certain time hiding behind a rock watching. Yes, I am a pervert! I thought you knew that by now.

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It is pissy being unwell. And taking medication does not make me feel better either. I feel as if I could go back to sleep at the second of inaction.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

See, I stopped typing and I went to sleep!

So as to not make this day to total wash, I present to you this short film, Juggs Judy, from Comedy Central’s The Man Show that a friend sent to me. Warning: Like everything else on that show, the clip has mature content that may not be SFW (safe for work) and you definitely do not want 4 year old Junior to watch this. And like everything else on that show, it is gear toward the male fantasy… but it makes a great parody of Judge Judy and Divorce Court.

And yes, there is a Chagrin Falls, Ohio. Interesting choice of names since chagrin means disquietude or distress of mind caused by humiliation, disappointment, or failure.

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Something else I picked up from The April Winchell Show Yahoo group…

I actually like this character in the movie and associate with him more than any other…

Tired of being underappreciated and manipulated by powerful "others," you fight back. Though possesssing a cold, violent outside, you have a soft, scentimental inside. You love your partner, you cherish family heirlooms, and you want nothing more than to be geniunely happy — but you don’t mind having to kill a couple of nimrods who happen to clutter your path. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

But then I’m a fan of Bruce Willis, particularly after the split with the she-devil Demi Moore. And I used to like Demi Moore.

And for you who are real April Winchell fans, her website is here. And she sell all sorts of her stuff, even t-shirts. She even makes a good pin-up model.

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Say a special hello and a Happy Birthday to this special lady at Just One Bite.

And who does she share this birthday with…
Jazz great Louis Armstrong
Romantic poet Percy Bysshe Shelley
Composer and educator William Schuman
Actor-comedian Richard Belzer

But what makes this day special is that it is her birthday. Happy Birthday m’lady.

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Found on The April Winchell Show Yahoo Group (free membership required to access)….

Which Fantasy/SciFi character are you?

Gifted and studious, you willingly approach the perils ahead with the help of your talents and friends.

I don’t go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me.

Harry Potter is a character in the Harry Potter series.

This should make my daughter happy since she is a big Harry Potter fan.

And all this time I thought I was a muggle.

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