Dear Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years–feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur” niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, doesn’t speak clearly, eats less, doesn’t ask for money all the time, is easier to train, usually comes when called, never drives a car, doesn’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions, won’t wear your clothes, and doesn’t need a gazillion dollars for college–and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Sincerely,
The person who mistakenly thinks she/he is the owner

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