The new Patriot Act, version 635.2, went into effect this morning at 3:34 am EST. Included in the act is the following….

• All Republicans are required to carry loaded, concealed guns at all times. You never know when you are going to be attacked by a crazed butterfly.
• However, all non-Republicans carrying weapons will immediately be arrested and charged with terrorism.
• The President will henceforth be recognized as the messenger of God three times removed, unless a Democrat is elected president which will be considered an act of treason which will then require upteen recounts until they get the results “correct”.
• Budgets for the holy crusades… err war against… in Iraq will be passed no matter how many pork barrel, un-democratic, and unconstitutional amendments are tacked on.
• Nuclear will now be “nukuler”.
• The official state sex position is now missionary… with the lights off… clothes on… with woman in submissive position. Anyone not having sex this way will be charged with sodomy… and treason.
• Homosexuals do not exists, it is just a communist terrorist plot to undermine society.
• Sex will no long be mentioned or shown on any movie screen or on any cable or satellite channel. That goes for an hint of nudity too.
• We do whatever the big business and Christian far extremist right religious tell us, even if it means mass suicide via jumping off a cliff.
• The U.S. military reserves the right to invade any country, including Canada and England, if the government suspect that there might be a rumor of them possibly helping terrorist… or Democrats.
• All rights granted to the citizens of the United States are null and void unless you are Republican or big business or the religious right Christian.
• Any mention of the Bush twins having a wild drinking binge and having wild perverted sex parties are banned from the media.
• Blogs are hereby banned for they foster free speech.
• Books with big words are banned.
• History will be re-written to portray all non-Republicans as evil demons.
• The nation’s capitol will be moved to Texas.
• Unemployment figures will be recalculated to report a 150% employment.
• Five billion dollars will be allocated to bring back the show “Dallas”.
• NASA’s mission will be redefined to find a way to send all non-Republicans and everyone outside of the U.S. to the sun.

To be continued….

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