Here is the news that is not even CNN would report on. Okay, if CNN knew about these stories they would report on them, even though they are completely made up… not CNN, but the stories… though I have my doubts about CNN.

• Scientists declare that sky is blue – After years of research and billions of dollars in grant money, scientist at I S*%t U Not Institute released finds that indeed the sky is blue with occasional spots of white stuff.  The researchers have acquired another grant to investigate that white stuff in the sky.
• Cell phones make you smell funny – The FCC released findings today that the use of cell phones while showering causes people to not get as clean therefore making the cell phone users smell funny.
• Man runs down street – A man was spotted running down the street of some unnamed city yesterday.  Witnesses were baffled as to why anyone would care.
• Newspaper report crappy news – There has been a dramatic increase in the reporting of crappy news in newspapers of late.  One example is the “Man runs down street” story and the Presidential debates.
• Stocks go down to zero – Stupid man was quoted as saying “how low could you go.”
• Women found on the moon – It seems that women have been exploring space all these years while men have been in the bathroom with the newspapers.  When asked about the accusations, Sen. Hillary Clinton said “Err-ror!  Does not compute.”
• E-mail makes your brain swell – Spam e-mail expected to flood inboxes with cures for disease.
• Stocks rebound sharply to yesterday’s high – Reports state that someone tried put a USB plug into a serial port in the NYSE’s main computer and shorted out the big board making people think that the stock market tanked.
• Banks rolling in dough – Reports indicate that banks were trying to make cookies and mistook the dough for the cash they have been rolling in for decades.
• U.S. troops invade Georgia – Governor Perdue shocked that his state has been invaded again.  “First the Russians, then the media, now the U.S.!  Next it will be Microsoft!”, the governor was quoted as saying.
• “Joe the Plumber” arrested for crack possession – Joe was arrested today at an unnamed woman’s house after she alleges that Joe bent over to fix her sink and his butt crack was exposed.  Senators Obama and McCain have no comment, though Gov. Palin was quoted as saying that she could see Joe’s butt crack from her front yard.
• Brooke Shields pregnant – Father is reported to be a Volkswagen Routan. Shields is reported to have been impregnated via German Engineering.
• Blogger resigns after calling Palin’s children “props” – Palin responds that children are not props, children promptly become two-dimension and fall after grip knocks over children with mic. 
• Zombies stage protest for dead rights -  Crowd of zombies disbursed when offered brains.  Paris Hilton seen joining zombie protestors searching for promised brains.
• VP Chaney leaves hospital after heart procedure – Is now searching for Sarah Conner.
• Female teacher arrest for not sleeping with students – Students complained that they went to her boring lectures and brought her apples everyday for nothin’.  School board shocked, will consider hiring prostitutes to teach classes.

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