Here is the news that is not the news that could be the news even though it is too stupid to be the news but could actually happen in some parallel universe.

• Man robs bank, leaves owing $20,000 – When asked by authorities why he robbed the bank, man responded that he had a temporary bout of insanity and thought there was money at the bank.  Police released the man without charging saying that they would have to arrest the bank officials with robbery as well if they charged him.
• Zombies protest exclusion from national elections – A representative of the zombies stated that “zombies must be given the right to vote in national elections, after all they have been voting in Chicago for years”.  When asked for comment on the issue, Governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin grabbed her gun and started shooting zombies in the head.
• Senator and presidential nominee John McCain has balls – When responding to a recent SNL skit concerning Palin and Clinton, McCain stated that he does, in fact, have balls, it is just that his wife keeps them in her purse.
• Obama is white – it was revealed today that Senator and presidential nominee Barack Obama is actually Caucasian and that every television set on the planet has the colors mixed up.  On a side note, McCain is green with orange dots.
• Man wins lottery, buys Wells Fargo – Quoted as saying, “what the hell else could I do with $100?  Buy gas?”
• Poles put Obama a win in debate by a slim margin – Still no word why poles can vote and zombies cannot.
• Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant again – no really.
• Palin vows to have shotguns in every home – “Best damn engagement ring for unwed pregnant teens, like evar” Palin reported as saying.
• World Series canceled – All baseball teams somehow eliminated in playoffs.  Commissioner Bud Selig at a loss to explain, will host world spit throwing finals instead.
• Stock markets around the world crash – All are being charged with DUI.
• George Clooney snorting hairy caterpillars – see picture.
• Gas now at $1 million dollars a gallon – Protected by sharks with freakin’ lasers.
• Vampires gathered at the Capital at noon to protest lack of blood bank oversight – Mysterious grayish powder found at protest locale minutes later.
• What Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious really means – is SNL getting better?
• Undying serial killers protest rising gas prices – One protester stated that it took three arms and a leg of a victim to get one gallon of gas.  Presidential nominee Jason Voorhees and VP nominee Michael Myers, both of the Horror Party, have no comment.

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