This is from a Charlie Tennant II from ChantaleCenterfold Yahoo! Group (an adult group)….
Here you go:
1. Sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point your blow dryer at passing cars to see if they will slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom and don’t disguise your voice!
3. Everytime someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that!
4. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine additions switch to Expresso!
5. In the memo field of all your checks write for Marijuana!
6. With a serious face, order diet water whenever you go out to eat!
7. Specify that your drive through order is “to go”!
8. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I won, I won”!
9. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot screaming “run for your lives, they’re loose”!
10. Tell your children over dinner, “due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go”!
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Behold the mighty force of Dr. Manhattan’s uhm impressive fighting weapon (as seen in the movie The Watchmen). This video is not to be view by those under 18 and not safe for work!
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Before we get started, my apologies to blondes…. and gay men.
Two women, one blond and one brunette, are seeing the same guy. Neither woman wants to give up the guy so the brunette proposes a competition. That afternoon, the two women meet at a gay men’s bar. The brunette says that the first woman to get a man to leave the bar with her wins the boyfriend. The blond picks out a guy and does everything she can to seduce the guy, gets frustrated, and tries to seduce another guy. The brunette on the other hand walks up to a guy, whispers in his ear, and then walks up to another guy and whispers in his ear. The brunette does this until one of the guys leaves with her. The blond has had no luck in getting a guy to leave with her and admits defeat. When the brunette walks back into the bar, the blond asks the woman how she manage to get a gay guy to leave the bar with her. The brunette says, “I just whispered into the guy’s ear that I think I hit his car. The one I found with a car came out with me to check on his car. I just said he had to leave the bar with you, not take him home with you.”
Spontaneous jokes is not my strong point.
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An experienced farmer marries a young, ditzy city girl and he takes her home to his farm. The young wife is a pretty good cook, cleans well, and even makes him a large glass of iced sweet tea every afternoon. The farmer is really impressed and is very appreciative, but he is concerned that she is spending all of her time attending to his needs and she is beginning to look tired. After a long talk with his wife, the farmer convinces his wife that she should take it easy and maybe take up a hobby to help her relax. The wife decides that she would like to take-up knitting so the farmer takes his wife into town and she gets some books on knitting and huge amounts of yarn. The farmer was concerned about the amount of yarn his wife was buying, but he reasoned that, being a novice knitter, she would need plenty of yarn for practice.
After a few months the farmer was dying to see how his wife was coming along with her hobby. He was amazed at her output when she showed him a room full of small sweaters. Upon closer examination, the farmer found that the sweaters were perfectly knitted but they all had flaws – none of the small sweaters had sleeves or even arm holes. Not one to disappoint his wife but curious about the same mistake on all of the sweaters, the farmer pointed out the missing sleeves.
The wife said “Oh silly, chickens don’t need sleeves on their sweaters.”
Perplexed, the farmer asked why the chickens needed sweaters.
The wife said, “I heard you talking to the farmer next door when he asked if you were going to sell your surplus roosters and you said no, I’ll just pluck them and put them in the freezer. I thought they might get cold in there with no feathers.”
And I felt the groans of a billion souls….
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Snarky: having a sarcastic, impertinent, or irreverent tone or manner.
How to be snarky (and really piss off women to no end)
- Buy or get access to a computer, find a popular website, and leave rude, obnoxious, sarcastic comments…. remember to remain anonymous. Women just love guys who hit and run on the web.
- Find an attractive woman in a bar (yes, it means leaving your mom’s basement), saddle up real close to her at the bar, and make run and inappropriate sexual remarks to her. Women love guys who know what they want.
- Get a job (leave the basement again, I know), harass your female co-workers making inappropriate sexual advances, and get fired from said job. Women just go head-over-heels for guys who consider women as just objects.
- Go to a strip joint, call the dancers “baby”, and pawn the waitresses until you either get kicked out or beaten to a pulp. Women appreciate being demeaned.
- Take public transportation, take the last seat on the bus, etc., and refuse to give up the seat for the little old lady. Women get hot for inconsiderate men.
Do these things and you will be assured that your genetic heritage will be included from the gene pool saving humanity in the process.
That is all.
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I am like so much a real expert on this subject…..
- Get a life. If you have a life, unlike me, you will have plenty to blog about. You can blog about your 100th ascent of Kilimanjaro, your run in with the Alabama State Patrol, or the cure for cancer you just discovered. It works for me.
- If you don’t have a life, blog about things you like…. eating chocolate, reading books, running over old ladies, etc. What you might think will be boring to others may actually be of interest to other people… unless you are a interested Hannah Montana wigs.
- Write about your relatives. Everyone has a kooky uncle or hot sister-in-law to gossip about. Or you can use the old standby and blog about how adorable you baby is and what she/he is doing at the moment.
- Blog about current events. Unless you live in a cave buried deep in the Earth, you will hear some news. If you don’t have an opinion steal someone else’s.
- Write about work. Who needs a job anyway.
- Complain about the government. Then you can complain about how they carted you off to jail on trumped up charges.
- Come up with a wacky conspiracy theory and explain it in detail every day, many times a day, retelling the same points. After your failed attempt to commit mass suicide, you can blog about how the authorities are stopping you from reaching the other plane.
- Make up stuff. It works for me.
- Steal content from other bloggers… just change it so that they can’t really tell that you stole it.
- Fill your blog everyday with worthless links. If you are trying to get a high page ranking in Google, that is the way to go.
- Post pictures everyday with funny captions. Be inventive and take pictures of secure government installations that will assure you of a life in prison.
- Blog about your illegal activities… and post videos about them. Yes, let’s make the job for law enforcement a lot easier.
- Post nothing but memes everyday, all day. That is sure to bring loads of readers to your blog.
Yes, do these simple things and will be assured of many blog posts for years to come with the added bonuses of being imprisoned, put in a sanitarium, losing all of your friends, and becoming a pariah.
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This is Yoggie’s brain… uhm no I’m not a fried egg. Yoggie is not here right now as I, his brain, have sprouted wings and flew off. Yoggie, or rather the body formerly know as the host to me, the brain, is search for me. Unfortunately, without me in his head, his search will be futile. At least he doesn’t have to be worried about being attacked by zombies.
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This is a parody, if you were wondering….
- Find a good blog or website to steal content from, say Cracked.com.
- Read the articles on the site to get a feel for the writing style… this will be important.
- Find a particular article you would like to steal, The 11 Most Unnecessary ‘How To’ Guides on the Web is a good start.
- Read the article again and take notes. You never know when come commenter will ask you questions about it.
- Steal the article. Copy and paste the content, I guess. Use some of those wild computer skills you learned in that how-to article about copying web content.
- Change the article. This would involve using a word processing program and using synan.. sinyn… synon….. words that mean the same thing. Use your imagination in changing the article. Oh yeah, you wouldn’t be stealing the content in the first place if you had any imagination, so just go with the word changing. Put some mispellings in there while you are at it.
- Post stolen content on your blog. Don’t ask me how to do it, it is your blog.
- Sit back and let the visitors come flocking to your site.
- You also may want to pray that the site you stole content from doesn’t catch you at it.
DISCLAIMER! The author of the site does not advocate stealing content. He had a gun pointed to the head of his cherry action figure and was forced to write this how-to. In fact the author, me, advocates that it would be better for you to run down the road without your pants. You never know, with all of the screaming people in your projected path, there may be one woman who mistakes the sock you stuffed down your underwear is your huge member and want to have her way with you. You will have to get her drunk first because when she realizes that you don’t have a huge member, she will dump you like used tissue.
DISCLAIMER 2! Gal holding my cherry action figure hostage says it is rude to get girls drunk to have sex with them and most women wouldn’t fall for the old sock in the skivvies trick.
DISCLAIMER 3! I was in no way advocating getting a girl drunk to have sex with her, that is just wrong in so many ways. And I would like to meet the women who do fall for the sock in the shorts trick.
DISCLAIMER 4! Gal holding my cherry action figure hostage says no I wouldn’t want to meet “those women” because they tend to be skanky.
DISCLAIMER 5! That was the whole point of meeting “those women”.
DISCLAIMER 6! If you want to get laid, there are plenty of nice women out there who’ll have sex with you. I’ll jump you if you want. Don’t write that! You are so going to pay for that! I’m going to let your Superman doll have it.
DISCLAIMER 7! No! No! Not Superman! Wait a minute! Is that grape Kool-Aid? You were using an softdrink-filled water gun?!
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