Here is the news that is not even CNN would report on. Okay, if CNN knew about these stories they would report on them, even though they are completely made up… not CNN, but the stories… though I have my doubts about CNN.

• Scientists declare that sky is blue – After years of research and billions of dollars in grant money, scientist at I S*%t U Not Institute released finds that indeed the sky is blue with occasional spots of white stuff.  The researchers have acquired another grant to investigate that white stuff in the sky.
• Cell phones make you smell funny – The FCC released findings today that the use of cell phones while showering causes people to not get as clean therefore making the cell phone users smell funny.
• Man runs down street – A man was spotted running down the street of some unnamed city yesterday.  Witnesses were baffled as to why anyone would care.
• Newspaper report crappy news – There has been a dramatic increase in the reporting of crappy news in newspapers of late.  One example is the “Man runs down street” story and the Presidential debates.
• Stocks go down to zero – Stupid man was quoted as saying “how low could you go.”
• Women found on the moon – It seems that women have been exploring space all these years while men have been in the bathroom with the newspapers.  When asked about the accusations, Sen. Hillary Clinton said “Err-ror!  Does not compute.”
• E-mail makes your brain swell – Spam e-mail expected to flood inboxes with cures for disease.
• Stocks rebound sharply to yesterday’s high – Reports state that someone tried put a USB plug into a serial port in the NYSE’s main computer and shorted out the big board making people think that the stock market tanked.
• Banks rolling in dough – Reports indicate that banks were trying to make cookies and mistook the dough for the cash they have been rolling in for decades.
• U.S. troops invade Georgia – Governor Perdue shocked that his state has been invaded again.  “First the Russians, then the media, now the U.S.!  Next it will be Microsoft!”, the governor was quoted as saying.
• “Joe the Plumber” arrested for crack possession – Joe was arrested today at an unnamed woman’s house after she alleges that Joe bent over to fix her sink and his butt crack was exposed.  Senators Obama and McCain have no comment, though Gov. Palin was quoted as saying that she could see Joe’s butt crack from her front yard.
• Brooke Shields pregnant – Father is reported to be a Volkswagen Routan. Shields is reported to have been impregnated via German Engineering.
• Blogger resigns after calling Palin’s children “props” – Palin responds that children are not props, children promptly become two-dimension and fall after grip knocks over children with mic. 
• Zombies stage protest for dead rights -  Crowd of zombies disbursed when offered brains.  Paris Hilton seen joining zombie protestors searching for promised brains.
• VP Chaney leaves hospital after heart procedure – Is now searching for Sarah Conner.
• Female teacher arrest for not sleeping with students – Students complained that they went to her boring lectures and brought her apples everyday for nothin’.  School board shocked, will consider hiring prostitutes to teach classes.

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Here is the news that is not the news that could be the news even though it is too stupid to be the news but could actually happen in some parallel universe.

• Man robs bank, leaves owing $20,000 – When asked by authorities why he robbed the bank, man responded that he had a temporary bout of insanity and thought there was money at the bank.  Police released the man without charging saying that they would have to arrest the bank officials with robbery as well if they charged him.
• Zombies protest exclusion from national elections – A representative of the zombies stated that “zombies must be given the right to vote in national elections, after all they have been voting in Chicago for years”.  When asked for comment on the issue, Governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin grabbed her gun and started shooting zombies in the head.
• Senator and presidential nominee John McCain has balls – When responding to a recent SNL skit concerning Palin and Clinton, McCain stated that he does, in fact, have balls, it is just that his wife keeps them in her purse.
• Obama is white – it was revealed today that Senator and presidential nominee Barack Obama is actually Caucasian and that every television set on the planet has the colors mixed up.  On a side note, McCain is green with orange dots.
• Man wins lottery, buys Wells Fargo – Quoted as saying, “what the hell else could I do with $100?  Buy gas?”
• Poles put Obama a win in debate by a slim margin – Still no word why poles can vote and zombies cannot.
• Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant again – no really.
• Palin vows to have shotguns in every home – “Best damn engagement ring for unwed pregnant teens, like evar” Palin reported as saying.
• World Series canceled – All baseball teams somehow eliminated in playoffs.  Commissioner Bud Selig at a loss to explain, will host world spit throwing finals instead.
• Stock markets around the world crash – All are being charged with DUI.
• George Clooney snorting hairy caterpillars – see picture.
• Gas now at $1 million dollars a gallon – Protected by sharks with freakin’ lasers.
• Vampires gathered at the Capital at noon to protest lack of blood bank oversight – Mysterious grayish powder found at protest locale minutes later.
• What Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious really means – is SNL getting better?
• Undying serial killers protest rising gas prices – One protester stated that it took three arms and a leg of a victim to get one gallon of gas.  Presidential nominee Jason Voorhees and VP nominee Michael Myers, both of the Horror Party, have no comment.

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I have proof that the evil squirrels are trying to discredit the war kittens by stealing the latest issues of Cat Fancy from the shelves and putting out a false rumor that the issue was pulled by the publishers.

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From Examiner.com article 101 Signs That You’ve Encountered A Ghost…

101 Signs That You’ve Encountered A Ghost (continued)

52. You see unusual things reflected in glass objects.
     Ahh! Oh wait, that is just me before my morning coffee.

53. You record voices of people who weren’t present on a tape or digital recording device.
     I told the kids to turn down the TV.

54. You answer your phone and the voice of someone you know that has died speaks to you.
     I wish they would change that answering machine message.

55. Small, flashing lights zigzag around the room.
     That is what I get for changing the light bulb with the switch still on.

56. The television set goes berserk for no apparent reason.
     Have you seen the crap that is on TV? No wonder it goes berserk.

57. Light bulbs blow out on a regular basis.
     That is what I get for buying bulbs at the dollar store.

58. The phone rings with a different ring tone that it’s not programmed for.
     The J-Horror movie Phone (aka Pon).

59. Abrupt mood swings or changes in a person’s character only in specific areas or in places thought to be haunted.
     Does my kids’ rooms count? I think they are haunted by the ghost of not cleaning the room.

60. You feel frozen to the spot for a short amount of time.
     Yeah, but I thought that was a pinched disk… at least that is what the doctor said.

61. Visitors to your home often complain that they feel uncomfortable, couldn’t sleep well or heard and saw things they couldn’t explain.
     Describes how my kids act at night when it is bed time.

62. People in your family are consistently having nightmares.
     I was told my kids are nightmares.

63. You hear tapping on the walls.
     My kids not wanting to go to bed.

64. You’ve seen what appear to be red eyes in the darkness.
     Luckily it was just me staring at the mirror after not getting any sleep.

65. You’ve awakened to see misty people standing around your bed.
     And they say, “Daddy, I’m thirsty.”

66. There’s blood running down the walls.
     After I cut my hand on that can.

67. Unexplained whistling.
     I will find that hole in the wall one day.

68. You have visions of how someone died as you’re falling asleep.
     Yeah, the guy who turn in front of me and then slowed down to a crawl.

69. If you have a rocking chair, it rocks by itself.
     And the string tied to the back of the chair has nothing to do with it.

70. An entity tries to harm you by holding a pillow over your face.
     My wife after repeatedly telling me to stop snoring.

71. You hear pages of books or newspapers turning.
     I said go to bed!

72. You’re filming a family event and an apparition appears in the footage.
     Turned out it was the smoke from the BBQ pit.

73. A ghostly voice threatens you.
     She told me to get my cold feet off of her or she would push me off the bed.

74. You feel someone breathing on your shoulder or neck.
     I know how to warm up a pie. I don’t need you to look over my shoulder while I do it, hon.

75. You wake up to find odd marks or scratches on your body that wasn’t there when you went to sleep.
     Honey, the cat had another nightmare last night.

76. Black marks suddenly appear on the walls of your home.
     And it had nothing to do with the child holding a black marker.

77. You’re alone in the house, and you hear a door slam in another part of the house.
     Then I fixed the door.

78. You hear scratching sounds from behind the walls.
     Dog wants to go out.

79. A candle is suddenly blown out when no one is near it.
     Note to self, don’t put candles next to the air vent.

80. You’re driving down the road, see someone walking on the side but when you look back at them in your rearview mirror, no one is there.
     And then the door closed on the house by the road.

81. You’ve seen objects levitating in the air.
     I am Magneto.

82. You’ve been levitated into the air.
     And I am floating about Nicole Kidman before I’m rudely awaken.

83. You’ve woken up because your bed is violently shaking.
     Well, when your wife wants sex you don’t say no.

84. Papers are jerked out of your hands when no one is near you.
     My wife didn’t believe it either when I said that about the bills and the trash can.

85. A glowing cloud hovers in the room.
     Did you have to use all of the hot water in the shower?

86. The air in certain areas of your house may feel heavy or stagnant even though you try to freshen it up.
     Two words… cat box.

87. You become sick with an illness that the doctor can’t diagnosis or treat.
     Pretty much my whole life.. so I’ve been haunted my whole life!

88. You lock a door or window only to find it unlocked or vice versa.
     So, instead of the kids unlocking the door to let the dog out, I should be blaming a ghost?

89. You see apparitions while touring a battleground or graveyard.
     Unfortunately, it turned out to be Mr. Whimple trying to scare all the homeowners off the land so he could buy it all and sell it at a profit to the developers. Damn meddling kids.

90. You’re shopping and turn to look at a person nearby you and discover they don’t have a face. You blink, look again and they’re gone or they disappear right in front of you.
     The associates at Wal-Mart.

91. A woman or man walks up to you in a public place, gives you what seems like a message and then disappears.
     Process servers.

92. You look up at a house from street level and see someone standing in a doorway or window when you know that no one is home or the home is empty or abandoned.
     Lost process server.

93. You see a single light and hear a train coming down the tracks when the tracks are no longer in use and the train never really goes by.
     And the train comes down the other tracks.

94. You hear someone breathing in an empty room.
     Me during an asthma attack.

95. The radio in your car turns on or off by itself.
     So it wasn’t that giant spaceship that was over my car?

96. You hear screams or ghostly activity at specific times every day – usually at night.
     The altercation concerning baths every nigh.

97. A “lady in white” is seen walking down your hall or steps.
     That’s no lady, that’s my wife (you should have seen that one coming).

98. You see a dark colored mist that forms inside and takes the shape of a person.
     What happens when I walk to someone without my glasses on.

99. The batteries in your flashlights, cameras, phones etc drain very quickly when in areas that are thought to be haunted.
     Dollar store batteries.

100. You wake and feel a pressure on your chest that doesn’t have a medical reason.
     Damn, that cat is heavy.

101. You sit down in a chair and it feels like you just sat in someone’s lap – but the chair is empty.
     And that was the last time I gave someone a lap dance that is 100 pounds lighter than I.

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From Examiner.com article 101 Signs That You’ve Encountered A Ghost…

101 Signs That You’ve Encountered A Ghost

1. You feel like you’re being watched from a ceiling corner of the room.
     Are you sure that is not the NSA or RIAA surveillance camera.
2. You see unexplained lights in houses when no one is home.
     If no one is home then I’m not at home, so how can I see lights when I’m not there?
3. Your dog freaks out over something you can’t see, cowers and runs from the room, or refuses to enter the room.
    Sounds like my dog wherever it is, so ergo everywhere is haunted.
4. Your cat stares at a certain spot, his hair raises, he hisses and bolts from the room.
     Yes, every time the dog enters the room.
5. You see a transparent human form walking around.
     I don’t, but my wife does whenever I walk into the room… she ignores me.
6. You feel a weight on your bed, as if someone is sitting there but no one is.
     Yes, it is called my cat.
7. You hear someone shout your name.
     That would be my wife.
8. You find physical evidence of footprints that can’t be explained.
     I ask the kids and they can’t explain how their muddy footprints got in the kitchen either.
9. Electrical devices start operating by themselves.
     It’s called a timer.
10. A child’s toy starts moving on its own or if it’s electronic, starts making noise.
     Durn those motion-activated toys.
11. You see a light colored mist form into any shape and the origin of the mist is unknown.
     Then I realized my wife had burnt the roast.
12. You hear crying of an unknown origin.
     Unfortunately, it was me who was crying after the Braves blew a save.
13. You smell a fragrance in your home that you don’t own.
     It wouldn’t have anything to do with that naked guy hiding in my closet?
14. A picture flying (not falling) off the wall and into the room.
     Have you seen how hard my son can slam a door?
15. You hear the sound of footsteps when no one is there.
     Not counting my own?
16. You see someone who looks as real as you do but as you watch they disappear.
     My children when the subject of chores comes up.
17. You’re physically touched by someone that isn’t there – your shirt or hair is tugged, someone brushes by or lays a hand on your shoulder.
     Sounds like an old girlfriend… she was never really “there”.
18. More elevated – you’re slapped, pushed or shoved by something you can’t see.
     The same girlfriend when she didn’t get the diamond ring for her birthday.
19. A foul odor comes from nowhere and then disappears.
     Two words – dog farts.
20. Furniture is rearranged – even heavy furniture.
     My wife during one of her “moods”.
21. Water is turned on or off by itself.
     It’s called a well going dry.
22. You hear music from an unknown source.
     I have kids, when is music not coming from somewhere unknown?
23. Lights turning on an off by themselves.
     The Clapper.
24. More elevated – you see the light switch move when no one is touching it.
     I get the same excuse every time my kids leave the lights on in the house.
25. Unexplained writing appears on a wall, mirror or piece of paper.
     …but it looks an awful lot like my son’s handwriting.
26. Objects are missing from a locked box or safe and show up later outside of the secured place.
     Happens with my wallet a lot, especially when someone wants to buy something.
27. Your doorbell rings but no one is there.
     So ghosts leave the flaming bags of poop?
28. You hear doors or cabinets opening and closing by themselves.
     And cookies just suddenly appear in the kids hands.
29. You SEE a door or cabinet open or close when no one is near it.
     And then I fixed the door and it stopped happening.
30. More elevated – doors or cabinets slamming shut with extreme force.
     And it only does that when the windows are open and it is windy, go figure.
31. A child tells you they see someone that you can’t. (Children and animals are very sensitive to the paranormal)
     Imaginary friends.
32. Faces appearing within inanimate objects and then disappear.
     I scream too when ever my reflections appears.
33. You feel a cold spot when there isn’t a reason for it to be cold in that area.
     I really need to patch that hole in the wall.
34. You find hand prints of unexplained origin.
     Usually by the cookie or candy jar.
35. You hear hushed whispers but can’t find the source of the sound.
     And it is always before I find the cat in a dress.
36. Items disappear and then reappear in an unexpected place.
     With or without the chocolate fingerprints?
37. You see a shadow of someone in your peripheral vision.
     Get back to bed now!
38. You look into a mirror and see someone else reflected there but when you look into the room where they should be standing no one is there.
     Unfortunately no matter how many times I deny it, it is just me getting old.
39. You see balls of unexplained light.
     Usually after I look directly at the light bulb I’m trying to change.
40. You get a sudden sick feeling in the pit of your stomach and goose bumps on your arms or a prickly feeling on the back of your neck all at the same time.
     Every time I see the bill for the credit card.
41. You get sudden cold chills accompanied by a sense of fear.
     The light bill arrives.
42. You feel uneasy in certain areas of your home like the basement or attic.
     Which would be a pretty cool trick if I had a basement or attic.
43. You feel a sudden warm or hot spot in your home.
     My wife left the oven on again.
44. You feel a breeze inside the house when the windows are closed.
     Who turned on the air conditioner.
45. A spirit orb appears in a photo you’ve taken.
     At least it is not my thumb this time.
46. A musical instrument plays by itself (piano etc.)
     If you were a musical instrument you play yourself too after hearing me play.
47. A sudden feeling of nausea in a particular room when you’re not sick.
     That is why my kids have to clean their rooms.
48. You have thoughts that don’t fit your personality when in a particular area.
     Mmmm, Japanese tentacle porn.
49. Laughter without a source.
     Every time I take off my clothes.
50. You hear sounds of pain, like moaning, but there isn’t anyone there.
     Oh sorry, that was me getting out of bed in the morning.
51. You hear sounds or smell a certain fragrance or odor at the same time every day.
     Funny it happens right after I put on some aftershave.

To be continued……

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