Archive for the ‘Parody’ Category
Email this postI proclaim this Literal Music Video week and to start off the week we have one of the first…
A-Ha – Take on Me (Literal Version) with added bonus Star Wars Thriller
Snarky: having a sarcastic, impertinent, or irreverent tone or manner.
How to be snarky (and really piss off women to no end)
- Buy or get access to a computer, find a popular website, and leave rude, obnoxious, sarcastic comments…. remember to remain anonymous. Women just love guys who hit and run on the web.
- Find an attractive woman in a bar (yes, it means leaving your mom’s basement), saddle up real close to her at the bar, and make run and inappropriate sexual remarks to her. Women love guys who know what they want.
- Get a job (leave the basement again, I know), harass your female co-workers making inappropriate sexual advances, and get fired from said job. Women just go head-over-heels for guys who consider women as just objects.
- Go to a strip joint, call the dancers “baby”, and pawn the waitresses until you either get kicked out or beaten to a pulp. Women appreciate being demeaned.
- Take public transportation, take the last seat on the bus, etc., and refuse to give up the seat for the little old lady. Women get hot for inconsiderate men.
Do these things and you will be assured that your genetic heritage will be included from the gene pool saving humanity in the process.
That is all.
This is a parody, if you were wondering….
- Find a good blog or website to steal content from, say Cracked.com.
- Read the articles on the site to get a feel for the writing style… this will be important.
- Find a particular article you would like to steal, The 11 Most Unnecessary ‘How To’ Guides on the Web is a good start.
- Read the article again and take notes. You never know when come commenter will ask you questions about it.
- Steal the article. Copy and paste the content, I guess. Use some of those wild computer skills you learned in that how-to article about copying web content.
- Change the article. This would involve using a word processing program and using synan.. sinyn… synon….. words that mean the same thing. Use your imagination in changing the article. Oh yeah, you wouldn’t be stealing the content in the first place if you had any imagination, so just go with the word changing. Put some mispellings in there while you are at it.
- Post stolen content on your blog. Don’t ask me how to do it, it is your blog.
- Sit back and let the visitors come flocking to your site.
- You also may want to pray that the site you stole content from doesn’t catch you at it.
DISCLAIMER! The author of the site does not advocate stealing content. He had a gun pointed to the head of his cherry action figure and was forced to write this how-to. In fact the author, me, advocates that it would be better for you to run down the road without your pants. You never know, with all of the screaming people in your projected path, there may be one woman who mistakes the sock you stuffed down your underwear is your huge member and want to have her way with you. You will have to get her drunk first because when she realizes that you don’t have a huge member, she will dump you like used tissue.
DISCLAIMER 2! Gal holding my cherry action figure hostage says it is rude to get girls drunk to have sex with them and most women wouldn’t fall for the old sock in the skivvies trick.
DISCLAIMER 3! I was in no way advocating getting a girl drunk to have sex with her, that is just wrong in so many ways. And I would like to meet the women who do fall for the sock in the shorts trick.
DISCLAIMER 4! Gal holding my cherry action figure hostage says no I wouldn’t want to meet “those women” because they tend to be skanky.
DISCLAIMER 5! That was the whole point of meeting “those women”.
DISCLAIMER 6! If you want to get laid, there are plenty of nice women out there who’ll have sex with you. I’ll jump you if you want. Don’t write that! You are so going to pay for that! I’m going to let your Superman doll have it.
DISCLAIMER 7! No! No! Not Superman! Wait a minute! Is that grape Kool-Aid? You were using an softdrink-filled water gun?!
- Scientist discover that poor people have little disposable income. Scientist say the findings are shocking, the poor beat scientist over head with tree limbs.
- The Federal Government finds $2 Gazillion stuffed under Abraham Lincoln’s mattress. Ghost of Lincoln has been stuffing retirement money in bed since he died. The poor hit federal comptrollers in the head with tree limbs.
- Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich found selling seats to his impeachment trial. Quoted as saying, “Show me the money!” The poor hit the entire Illinois government in the head with tree limbs.
- Man caught trying to eat. Claims he hadn’t had a bite in days, report bites him. The poor hit journalists in the head with tree limbs.
- Money found to actually grow on trees. The poor stop hitting people with tree limbs and start picking money off trees.
- Researcher finds that Romans did not build roads, traveled around in magic chariots that fly instead. The poor really, really want to hit researcher in the head for wasting money but are too busy face palming.
- Police find large cache of 80′s porn in drug raid. Police say that it will take months before all of the evidence is looked at. The poor want porn, tired of pretending tree limbs are porn stars.
- Man arrested on bigamy charges. Judge denies bail as the man is clearly insane since he married in the first place. The poor hit the man in the groin with tree limbs.
We have landed…. in a strange… and remarkable place. The population of Sol-3 look incredible like.. our 21st century Earth. Mr. Spock… is taking… tricorder readings to… verify the inhabitants are indeed human and not… some type of illusion by… parties unknown.
Curiously, I was… stopped in the street and called Mr….. Shatner. Mr. Spock was named by… the passersby as Leonard Nimoy. The kept asking us… what we thought of the new “Star Trek” movie. I assume that it is some local greeting related to a popular event.
Captain’s log supplemental: Mr. Spock has informed… me that we… are indeed in… Earth’s past, 2009 to be exact… which is strange as I learned in… school that Earth was in the middle of a world war in that period.
Captain’s log supplemental supplemental: I woke up in my cabin and all of the past experiences were just a dream. Also, I have stopped using dramatic pausings in my sentences and the Enterprise is a lot brighter and the crew a lot younger.
Here is the news that is not even CNN would report on. Okay, if CNN knew about these stories they would report on them, even though they are completely made up… not CNN, but the stories… though I have my doubts about CNN.
- Scientists declare that sky is blue – After years of research and billions of dollars in grant money, scientist at I S*%t U Not Institute released finds that indeed the sky is blue with occasional spots of white stuff. The researchers have acquired another grant to investigate that white stuff in the sky.
- Cell phones make you smell funny – The FCC released findings today that the use of cell phones while showering causes people to not get as clean therefore making the cell phone users smell funny.
- Man runs down street – A man was spotted running down the street of some unnamed city yesterday. Witnesses were baffled as to why anyone would care.
- Newspaper report crappy news – There has been a dramatic increase in the reporting of crappy news in newspapers of late. One example is the “Man runs down street” story and the Presidential debates.
- Stocks go down to zero – Stupid man was quoted as saying “how low could you go.”
- Women found on the moon – It seems that women have been exploring space all these years while men have been in the bathroom with the newspapers. When asked about the accusations, Sen. Hillary Clinton said “Err-ror! Does not compute.”
- E-mail makes your brain swell – Spam e-mail expected to flood inboxes with cures for disease.
- Stocks rebound sharply to yesterday’s high – Reports state that someone tried put a USB plug into a serial port in the NYSE’s main computer and shorted out the big board making people think that the stock market tanked.
- Banks rolling in dough – Reports indicate that banks were trying to make cookies and mistook the dough for the cash they have been rolling in for decades.
- U.S. troops invade Georgia – Governor Perdue shocked that his state has been invaded again. “First the Russians, then the media, now the U.S.! Next it will be Microsoft!”, the governor was quoted as saying.
- “Joe the Plumber” arrested for crack possession – Joe was arrested today at an unnamed woman’s house after she alleges that Joe bent over to fix her sink and his butt crack was exposed. Senators Obama and McCain have no comment, though Gov. Palin was quoted as saying that she could see Joe’s butt crack from her front yard.
- Brooke Shields pregnant – Father is reported to be a Volkswagen Routan. Shields is reported to have been impregnated via German Engineering.
- Blogger resigns after calling Palin’s children “props” – Palin responds that children are not props, children promptly become two-dimension and fall after grip knocks over children with mic.
- Zombies stage protest for dead rights - Crowd of zombies disbursed when offered brains. Paris Hilton seen joining zombie protestors searching for promised brains.
- VP Chaney leaves hospital after heart procedure – Is now searching for Sarah Conner.
- Female teacher arrest for not sleeping with students – Students complained that they went to her boring lectures and brought her apples everyday for nothin’. School board shocked, will consider hiring prostitutes to teach classes.
Here is the news that is not the news that could be the news even though it is too stupid to be the news but could actually happen in some parallel universe.
- Man robs bank, leaves owing $20,000 – When asked by authorities why he robbed the bank, man responded that he had a temporary bout of insanity and thought there was money at the bank. Police released the man without charging saying that they would have to arrest the bank officials with robbery as well if they charged him.
- Zombies protest exclusion from national elections – A representative of the zombies stated that “zombies must be given the right to vote in national elections, after all they have been voting in Chicago for years”. When asked for comment on the issue, Governor and VP hopeful Sarah Palin grabbed her gun and started shooting zombies in the head.
- Senator and presidential nominee John McCain has balls – When responding to a recent SNL skit concerning Palin and Clinton, McCain stated that he does, in fact, have balls, it is just that his wife keeps them in her purse.
- Obama is white – it was revealed today that Senator and presidential nominee Barack Obama is actually Caucasian and that every television set on the planet has the colors mixed up. On a side note, McCain is green with orange dots.
- Man wins lottery, buys Wells Fargo – Quoted as saying, “what the hell else could I do with $100? Buy gas?”
- Poles put Obama a win in debate by a slim margin – Still no word why poles can vote and zombies cannot.
- Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant again – no really.
- Palin vows to have shotguns in every home – “Best damn engagement ring for unwed pregnant teens, like evar” Palin reported as saying.
- World Series canceled – All baseball teams somehow eliminated in playoffs. Commissioner Bud Selig at a loss to explain, will host world spit throwing finals instead.
- Stock markets around the world crash – All are being charged with DUI.
- George Clooney snorting hairy caterpillars – see picture.
- Gas now at $1 million dollars a gallon – Protected by sharks with freakin’ lasers.
- Vampires gathered at the Capital at noon to protest lack of blood bank oversight – Mysterious grayish powder found at protest locale minutes later.
- What Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious really means – is SNL getting better?
- Undying serial killers protest rising gas prices – One protester stated that it took three arms and a leg of a victim to get one gallon of gas. Presidential nominee Jason Voorhees and VP nominee Michael Myers, both of the Horror Party, have no comment.
From Examiner.com article 101 Signs That You’ve Encountered A Ghost…
101 Signs That You’ve Encountered A Ghost (continued)
52. You see unusual things reflected in glass objects.
Ahh! Oh wait, that is just me before my morning coffee.
53. You record voices of people who weren’t present on a tape or digital recording device.
I told the kids to turn down the TV.
54. You answer your phone and the voice of someone you know that has died speaks to you.
I wish they would change that answering machine message.
55. Small, flashing lights zigzag around the room.
That is what I get for changing the light bulb with the switch still on.
56. The television set goes berserk for no apparent reason.
Have you seen the crap that is on TV? No wonder it goes berserk.
57. Light bulbs blow out on a regular basis.
That is what I get for buying bulbs at the dollar store.
58. The phone rings with a different ring tone that it’s not programmed for.
The J-Horror movie Phone (aka Pon).
59. Abrupt mood swings or changes in a person’s character only in specific areas or in places thought to be haunted.
Does my kids’ rooms count? I think they are haunted by the ghost of not cleaning the room.
60. You feel frozen to the spot for a short amount of time.
Yeah, but I thought that was a pinched disk… at least that is what the doctor said.
61. Visitors to your home often complain that they feel uncomfortable, couldn’t sleep well or heard and saw things they couldn’t explain.
Describes how my kids act at night when it is bed time.
62. People in your family are consistently having nightmares.
I was told my kids are nightmares.
63. You hear tapping on the walls.
My kids not wanting to go to bed.
64. You’ve seen what appear to be red eyes in the darkness.
Luckily it was just me staring at the mirror after not getting any sleep.
65. You’ve awakened to see misty people standing around your bed.
And they say, “Daddy, I’m thirsty.”
66. There’s blood running down the walls.
After I cut my hand on that can.
67. Unexplained whistling.
I will find that hole in the wall one day.
68. You have visions of how someone died as you’re falling asleep.
Yeah, the guy who turn in front of me and then slowed down to a crawl.
69. If you have a rocking chair, it rocks by itself.
And the string tied to the back of the chair has nothing to do with it.
70. An entity tries to harm you by holding a pillow over your face.
My wife after repeatedly telling me to stop snoring.
71. You hear pages of books or newspapers turning.
I said go to bed!
72. You’re filming a family event and an apparition appears in the footage.
Turned out it was the smoke from the BBQ pit.
73. A ghostly voice threatens you.
She told me to get my cold feet off of her or she would push me off the bed.
74. You feel someone breathing on your shoulder or neck.
I know how to warm up a pie. I don’t need you to look over my shoulder while I do it, hon.
75. You wake up to find odd marks or scratches on your body that wasn’t there when you went to sleep.
Honey, the cat had another nightmare last night.
76. Black marks suddenly appear on the walls of your home.
And it had nothing to do with the child holding a black marker.
77. You’re alone in the house, and you hear a door slam in another part of the house.
Then I fixed the door.
78. You hear scratching sounds from behind the walls.
Dog wants to go out.
79. A candle is suddenly blown out when no one is near it.
Note to self, don’t put candles next to the air vent.
80. You’re driving down the road, see someone walking on the side but when you look back at them in your rearview mirror, no one is there.
And then the door closed on the house by the road.
81. You’ve seen objects levitating in the air.
I am Magneto.
82. You’ve been levitated into the air.
And I am floating about Nicole Kidman before I’m rudely awaken.
83. You’ve woken up because your bed is violently shaking.
Well, when your wife wants sex you don’t say no.
84. Papers are jerked out of your hands when no one is near you.
My wife didn’t believe it either when I said that about the bills and the trash can.
85. A glowing cloud hovers in the room.
Did you have to use all of the hot water in the shower?
86. The air in certain areas of your house may feel heavy or stagnant even though you try to freshen it up.
Two words… cat box.
87. You become sick with an illness that the doctor can’t diagnosis or treat.
Pretty much my whole life.. so I’ve been haunted my whole life!
88. You lock a door or window only to find it unlocked or vice versa.
So, instead of the kids unlocking the door to let the dog out, I should be blaming a ghost?
89. You see apparitions while touring a battleground or graveyard.
Unfortunately, it turned out to be Mr. Whimple trying to scare all the homeowners off the land so he could buy it all and sell it at a profit to the developers. Damn meddling kids.
90. You’re shopping and turn to look at a person nearby you and discover they don’t have a face. You blink, look again and they’re gone or they disappear right in front of you.
The associates at Wal-Mart.
91. A woman or man walks up to you in a public place, gives you what seems like a message and then disappears.
Process servers.
92. You look up at a house from street level and see someone standing in a doorway or window when you know that no one is home or the home is empty or abandoned.
Lost process server.
93. You see a single light and hear a train coming down the tracks when the tracks are no longer in use and the train never really goes by.
And the train comes down the other tracks.
94. You hear someone breathing in an empty room.
Me during an asthma attack.
95. The radio in your car turns on or off by itself.
So it wasn’t that giant spaceship that was over my car?
96. You hear screams or ghostly activity at specific times every day – usually at night.
The altercation concerning baths every nigh.
97. A “lady in white” is seen walking down your hall or steps.
That’s no lady, that’s my wife (you should have seen that one coming).
98. You see a dark colored mist that forms inside and takes the shape of a person.
What happens when I walk to someone without my glasses on.
99. The batteries in your flashlights, cameras, phones etc drain very quickly when in areas that are thought to be haunted.
Dollar store batteries.
100. You wake and feel a pressure on your chest that doesn’t have a medical reason.
Damn, that cat is heavy.
101. You sit down in a chair and it feels like you just sat in someone’s lap – but the chair is empty.
And that was the last time I gave someone a lap dance that is 100 pounds lighter than I.