Maybe I should have read the what today’s Friday Five was about, thought it through, and scuttled the whole idea before diving headlong into responding to it.  We all have some old wounds that just don’t seem to want to heal. Starting Friday Five for February 1, 2008 did seem like a big task at first, then I went further along and all those old feelings just came flooding back.  Missed opportunities, lost dreams, what-if’s… not that I would trade my family for an alternate reality… I am lucky and grateful to have them in my life.

It is not "I wonder what if would have been like", rather more it f*****g hurts just to remember and it make the rest of you day s**t!

To the one and half people reading this, don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine.

Feeling:

Listening to Zenkyokusyu by Meiko Kaji

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I really need to start taking my blogging more seriously. It is so easy to just let it slide sometimes when you have a lot of work to do.

New projects, new teams.

I live a really boring life sometimes.

Work, work, work work, work. And eat. Sometime in there is sleep…. I’m guessing.

Maybe I am trying to not think about something… or someone. Someone from my past that was a profound influence in my life. A young woman with a cute button nose and exotic oriental eyes whose laughter was sparkling and fresh like a cool spring. My first real love, not one of the passing infatuations that I had earlier. The one that swept me off my feet, the one that I spent hours just looking into her eyes, the first one to say to me “I love you”.

The only one to break my heart when she went away.

I still think about her, more than I would like to admit.

But I made my peace with her memory and I can move on without it ripping my soul to pieces. I learned to live with the pain and it gets a little easier to bear every time she makes an appearance in my mind. I can tell you now, the pain never fully goes away but it becomes tolerable. But then you never really want the pain to go away entirely, for then so would the pleasure you had in knowing that person.

We continue, we build a new room for a new person, a new relationship and keep the old room with the memories of the previous love tidy, clean as they left it so that we can visit it from time to time… visits that becomes less painful as we age and grow.

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I was trying to catch up on my blog reading at Just One Bite when i came across this entry about pick-up lines. Yes, I used my share of really lame pick-up lines in the youth, but I found the best pick-up lines were not even a lines….

I don’t know how many dates and relationships started with one of those three questions. It wasn’t like I was fishing for a date when I said them.

And those three questions work on men as well as women… at least on me.

Many a woman has wooed me with the offer of assistance to find me buying them dinner at a nice restaurant and/or movie.

Which leads to what happened a few weeks ago.

Minding my own business when I see this young lady carrying a bundle of packages to her car. Knowing she was going to have a bit of difficulty getting into her car with her hands full, I offered to help. After we stowed her packages in her care, she thanked me. As I started to walk away, she grabs my arm and says (I don’t remember exactly what was said but I remember gist of the conversation)…..

“I don’t normally do this. What are you doing for dinner tonight?”

After my initial shock (yes, she was attractive), I blushed and smiled politely and I replied that I was probably having dinner with my wife.

After saying I looked cute with my blushing and dimples, she asked me if I was free the next night.

I gave her the same answer.

“Are you free this weekend?”

Now, wondering if I may have misunderstood her, I told her I don’t usually go out to dinner with people I don’t know unless my wife is invited.

To which she replies that she just wants it to be a two-some.

Really worried that woman is either psycho or just infatuated with me for the moment, I told her that I wasn’t interested. Now being the idiot that I am, I couldn’t just walk away, and I said something to the fact that she could have any man she wanted.

You guessed it… she said she found me interesting and nice, and that she found that very attractive.

My mind at this point was saying to my body something to the fact… “Idiot! You should have said no and just ran away after the first invitation. Run back into the store and get lost in the crowd.”

So I gave my goodbyes, and as I was about the leave she said “Well, maybe some other time then. See you.”

“Don’t smile you idiot”, my brain told my face. Too late. At least I only nodded my head and walked away instead of saying anything.

I walked briskly away… at a fast pace… back to the store. Hid in the crowd. All the time tell myself that just do the good deed and run away next time…. don’t stop for polite conversation!

Good thing is I haven’t seen her around since that day. Maybe I can avoid her until she forgets me, it is a relatively big town.

And the toilet? Well, I was so distracted that I forgot to put the seat down before I went potty. You would think with my big arse I could sit down with out the seat. Not exactly. Thankfully the toilet paper roller is attached firmly to the wall or I would had to explain getting stuck in the toilet.

Sometimes my life is a sit-com… a really bad sit-com.

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Okay, I took this kinkiness test that I could swear I saw over at Just One Bite, but I can find the entry.

Honestly people, I answered this quiz truthfully and I got this result

Test statistics:

* Compared to users who took the test and are and in your age group:
o 100% had lower kinkpoints scores.
* With respect to kinkpoints, users aged 90 to 94 scored highest.

I think there must be a mistake in the test somewhere. Yes, I am open minded about sex and I’ve tried a few things in the past… but I thought I was normal. No wonder so many men my age are old stogies.

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FYI, be careful of complimenting a woman’s paint job on her toes.

I was going to my office and this pretty young lady was walking up the stairs when I happen to notice her painted toe nails….

Me: “Nice color on the toe nail polish.”

She: “You like it?”

Me: “Yeah, makes your toes look all dainty and delicate.”

She: “Why thank you. I didn’t know if that color of gray would work. No one’s every completed my toes before.”

Then out of my mouth come words that I know better than saying, but my mouth has it won, independent center of my brain and doesn’t think before it opens…..

Me: “People should. You have beautiful feet.”

See what I mean, talk before thinking….

She: “Well thank you again. What’s your name?”

So Mr. Talk-before-I-think blurts out “Michael”.

Since we are on the floor my office is, I turn to toward my office. I get three steps to my office and I get this tap on the shoulder. I turn around and get this kiss on the cheek and a piece of paper shoved into my pocket with the words “call me” whispered in my ear.

And the one time I could use that-thing-that-utters-word-from-my-face, it is silent, maybe because all of the blood in my body is rushing to my head so as to commence blushing maneuvers. Yes, I blush easily. And as she walks away….

She: “You’re cute when you blush.”

Of course this happens right outside a co-worker’s door in full view of this co-worker.

Co-worker: “She’s right. You are cute when you blush. And you got the cutest dimples too. Hey, the top of your head is blushing too.”

Needless to say I have closed myself up in my office since then. And if you guess the piece of paper had the painted-toe girl’s name and number then you just won the prize of the day.

I guess my wedding ring must have some clocking device installed in it.

Now if I ever get that time machine built I have to remember to tell my pre-married self to compliment women’s toes when I give him the lottery numbers for the past ten years.

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I had this entry I was going to post about the latest post at Just One Bite which is about pain. I was going to write about my feelings and observations regrading Eden’s (not her real name, but a nickname… just go with it okay) post, the “white knight” syndrome, and how similar backgrounds create such dissimilar personalities and defense mechanisms, but looking back on my past and drudging the old pain and memories was just a little too much to deal with at this moment. I thought I had delt with the abuse sufficiently to talk about it, but I guess I was wrong, I was still hiding too much from myself.

Maybe one day soon I can complete that post and let you read it and fulfill my promise to myself and Eden. My apologies to Eden.

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Stolen from the ever beautiful and rockin’ Chey…

Imaginative, intense, emotional and inexhaustible energy is what describes the M people best. Once involved in a relationship, the M people spend considerable time and effort in developing and sustaining it. There is also a tendency to be a mother to their mate. The greatest love affairs happen with the M people. They believe in freedom and are willing to try anything and everything. A free and frank relationship appeals to them.

Find what the first letter of you first name means.

One of these days I gonna get a reading or test that says I’m evil… EVIL!

Of course this could explain my history with relationships…

Love And Romance

Taurus
April 20 – May 21

Although practical by nature, you’re surprisingly romantic. Its a different matter that your romance begins only after you have observed that your prospective partner has all or most of the qualities that appeal to you. But once you’re in the courtship stage, you’re very ardent and caring and patient. You can wait almost endlessly for your partner. Once married, you look for unshakable stability. However, romance and a highly passionate approach to it are the bedrocks of your marriage. Contrary to general belief, you don’t like dull moments and are willing to experiment, especially if it keeps your partner happy.

Your Sexual Side
You want romance and love to be an adventure–but one which provides you not just wild thrills but security as well. Curiously, your body language can be languorous and sensuous and attract and arouse the other person without conveying fully the depth of your own needs. On the other hand, you often expect a lot from the other person while limiting your own responses and participation to the `reactive’ level rather than the `initiative’ level. As a result, your fantasies are usually far richer and more varied than real life experiences.

Recommendation: Learn to be more demonstrative about your feelings.

Sexual Compatibility
Affectionate Cancer affords you bedtime thrills, while life with sensitive Virgo is joyful. You admire Capricorn’s gritty strength of character, and imaginative Pisces brings a spiritual dimension to your ordered life. With the Fish, you find a nicely complimentary match.

Not For You: With another Taurus, you’re sunk by mutual stubbornness, and both Gemini and Sagittarius are fickle heartbreakers! Taurus finds Leo self-centred, Libra’s mood swings disturbing, and is utterly daunted by the Scorpion’s jealousy. Bossy Aries irritates, while arrogant Aquarian distance leaves you chilled.

Ideal Match
Your own Earth signs, Taurus, Virgo and Capricorn would revive the ideal match for you, along with Aquarius.

Wives and Husbands
You make excellent providers and are known as the homemakers of the zodiac. Extremely sensitive to the other person’s needs, providing a whole range of material comforts seem to be your way of keeping your partner happy. You make faithful partners, seldom straying even during rocky periods.

Yeah, but that still doesn’t explain why that woman was eyeing me and grabbed my arse in the grocery store yesterday.

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I was soo hoping that I was going to be evil incarnate….

Your soul is OPEN-MINDED. Although you do have
strong opinions and make decisions, you never
make them without thinking first of not only
everything that is, but those that may not be
as well. People trust that you’ll willingly
hear them out and understand when they tell you
something, and you are well-liked for it. You
are often the mediator in disputes and your
desire to do what is right overcomes all else.
You are an understanding and admirable soul.

What Is Your Soul’s Trait?
brought to you by Quizilla

What is in you wall… uhm soul.

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Sometimes I just sit and think about my past. All the decisions I made and didn’t make, the paths I took and the ones I didn’t take. I think about the friends I made and lost over the years.

Many times I wonder if I made the correct decisions, chose the right path. Other times I wonder if I ever had a choice to begin with. I question if I had the right to make that decision, or if I had all the information that I needed to make an informed decision… was I qualified.

Sometimes I can see that path that I didn’t take, how seductive to go back and change to another path if I had the power. But what of the people in this path, some of whom I have helped?

But we live with the path we have chosen, to mull over what-if’s will drive you crazy.

Once such decision plagues me every time I hear “Let Her Cry” by Hootie & The Blowfish.

I was in a relationship that started out well. We had fun together. She was not only beautiful, but she was great to be around.

But then something happened and she changed. She became moody, introverted. She stopped liking the activities we had done together in the past. She would go through mood swings in a flash, one minute sad, the next jumping up and down like she was happy. She never told me what caused the change. One day I found out what was causing the mood swings, she was doing drugs. I just happen to walk into the bathroom and saw her. I could have broken it off right there, but I am not that type of person. After a long talk she agreed to go into rehab.

She was getting better, but not in getting of drugs. She was getting better at hiding it from me. She quit rehab after a few weeks and it took the threat of walking out to get her to go back in. One day I decided to surprise her by meeting her outside of the rehab meeting building. She didn’t come out after the meeting. I walked home and found out why she wasn’t at the meeting. I saw her standing by the road and a car pulled up and she got in. The next night was walking to clear my head from all the were piling up inside me about our relationship, or something inside me want to spy, I don’t know which. I saw her at the same corner, this time getting into a car of someone I knew. When I talked to this person the next day was when I realized that she had been prostituting herself. When I asked my girlfriend about it, she told me straight that she did it to get money for drugs.

Then I did something I regret. I gave her an ultimatum, stop or leave. She left.

I didn’t lose touch with her, maybe I was her lifeline for awhile. I’d call her and talk with her, we’d always end up arguing over her drug use. Eventually she quite college. I wrote to her often, never mentioning what drove us apart. At first the correspondence was going well, but then her letters back began to be fewer until they stopped all together. I kept writing however and after a few months I received a box in the mail from her. In the box was the letters from the past two or three months, unopened, with a letter from her with one word “Goodbye”.

I contacted her mother and he told me that she moved out and suddenly got married. Her mother hadn’t heard from here since.

It has been years since she went away and no one knows where she is.

I think of her when this song plays….

Let Her Cry
by Hootie & The Blowfish

She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought that’s escaped her mind
She says dad’s the one I love the most
But Stipe’s not far behind

She never let’s me in
Only tells me where she’s been
When she’s had too much to drink
I say that I don’t care
I just run my hands through her dark hair
Then I pray to God you gotta help me fly away
And just…

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note standing by the phone
Saying, “Baby, maybe I’ll be back someday”
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didn’t know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself
Saying…

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I could not believe
She was the same girl I fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to get high
And I sat down on my couch and cried
Yelling “Oh mama, please help me
Won’t you hold my hand”
And…

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be

Let her cry
If the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing
If it eases all her pain
Let her go
Let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be, let her be.

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